Culture Thursday: Tonic masculinity

"Tonic masculinity."

I've seen that phrase pop up on social media over the past few weeks, since Vice President Kamala Harris became the Democratic Party standard-bearer. It has especially taken off since she selected Governor "Coach" Tim Walz as her running mate. This article from New York Magazine explains it beautifully. I, of course, have my own thoughts to add.

My father, of blessed memory, was a gentle man. Never once did he raise his voice to me. Never once did he berate me, humiliate me, or talk down to me. He loved me, cared for me, taught me. He fled Cuba in 1968, the stress of which led him to have a heart attack and stroke when I was a year old. He was not the same man with whom my brothers grew up. He was physically weak. But morally? He was a rock. He taught me to do unto others as I would have them do unto me. To not think myself better than anyone else. To love freely and avoid hatred.

At a previous job, I was acquainted with his exact opposite. He was a man with a chip on his shoulder. He was a rotund, doughy man, who had pretensions of martial arts mastery. One day we were having lunch, and I told him about my father, and he scoffed that he didn't sound like a real man. I called him a moron and moved on. What I should have done was to look at him icily. "Say that again, and I don't care how many black belts you claim to have, we are going to have a problem." Either way, he backed down, wallowing in his insecurity. (At another point, he was waxing rhapsodic about his supposed "girlfriend". Jokingly, I told him to watch out, because I'd take her from him. He looked at me seriously and said, "Please don't. I don't have much." The way my father raised me, I would have never meant that to be taken seriously. So much for my father not being a "real man".)

Because that's the fact of toxic masculinity. Those men are mired in insecurity. They know there's a gaping hole in their psyches, so they fill it with bravado and braggadocio. Even if they've managed to land a woman, they're at heart incels. They pretend they're ladies' men, alpha warriors, lords of all they survey. They're small men, and know they're small men, and seek to project a size they do not possess. They mistake toxicity for manliness. They are miserable, and seek to inflict their misery on those around them.

"Tonic" masculinity is its opposite. A tonic is a curative. A tonic is a healing agent. A tonic is an antidote to illness, to pain, to suffering. Men who are tonic do not seek to dominate. They do not seek to overpower. They seek to collaborate. They perform tikkun olam, the restoration of the world. They revel in joy, and acknowledge and fully experience sorrow. They do not hide their emotions under a carapace of manly stoicism; they embrace their emotions, knowing that they make them who they are.

They are a tonic to the toxic masculinity which too many men take as the only true way to be a man. They offer a different perspective, a healthier way to relate to a world which can be frightening and lonely. Because the world can be a frightening place, they welcome others, giving and accepting love. They don't cast judgments.

But don't mistake kindness for weakness. They will defend what they hold dear to the final breath. They are not violent, but they are not pacifists. When a Louisville Slugger is called for, they do not shirk from using it. But unlike with toxic masculinity, that is a last resort. They prefer brain over brawn; but are not afraid to use brawn when the situation calls for it.

When Joe Biden agreed to be Barack Obama's running-mate, that was a seminal moment. And older white man, with decades of political experience, pledged to support a younger Black man, without the same years under his belt. That meant something. And now, when Tim Walz agreed to be Kamala Harris' running-mate, that was a sea-change moment. They're of the same age. But for a white man to agree to be the understudy to a Black woman is the essence of tonic masculinity. It is a surrender of the ego to the greater good. They way Governor Walz has taken on his role with gusto and joy is a sight to behold. That is why our opponents mock him. But it is part of the reason why this campaign has become a movement, and is suffused with joy. The old pieties are being discarded as no longer suited to this present age. It is another milestone on the road to the death of white male supremacy. And it feels natural.

This is what tonic men can achieve. A rebalancing of what was always considered the "natural order". An upending of structures which not only oppressed people of color and women, but even the men themselves. Men now have an example of how they can liberate themselves from millennia of harmful conditioning. If we are to survive as a species, men across the world need to relearn what it is to be a man. They need to accept women as equals. They need to listen to those who are not like them, and not judge. They need to leave aside violence and dominance as the first resort.

I keep saying this: the Harris campaign is an inflection point, as President Biden would say. Its like has never been seen in this country. It is the culmination of decades and centuries of social justice struggles. No, my friends: we are not going back.

Here's to all the tonic men. We have a lot of work to do. But nothing is beyond our grasp.

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