American Idiocracy

Hey, you!

Yes, you. The gentleman openly flaunting your maskless face. Come here a moment. Let's have a chat, shall we?

I see that you have taken time out of your busy schedule to come down here to our state capitol to protest. That's great! It's really neat that you're a member of our participatory democracy. But let's delve in a bit further to what brings you here today.

Oh, is that so? You consider it "tyranny" that your governor isn't yet opening up your favorite Applebee's? Your girlfriend's roots are showing and she desperately needs to go to the salon? Hmm, I see how these events are clearly taking a toll on your family. Are you still working? Well, that's good at least. And you got your $1,200 stimulus check from the federal government? Well, that's good news, too! You're clearly healthy as you've been yelling nonstop for the past three hours. All and all, it looks like you're in pretty good shape!

Oh, right. The whole tyranny thing.

Look, I get it. You don't like being told what to do. You're the kind of guy who doesn't wear his seatbelt in the car because it makes you uncomfortable. Open container laws are merely suggestions. Your tailpipe may or may not be releasing excessive pollution into the atmosphere. You have two bumper stickers and a Don't Tread On Me flag that sits below Old Glory at home. You don't wear condoms because they "cramp your style." Why, it looks to me like you're the perfect example of rugged individualism!

So, I get why you're here today not wearing a mask.

After all, what kind of pussy would wear something to protect themselves from danger? It's not like NASCAR drivers are required to wear helmets! Or that soldiers are required to wear camouflage clothing! Or that policemen often wear bulletproof vests in the line of duty! Or that firefighters wear flame-resistant clothing on site!

Oh, that's part of their job so they HAVE to do it?

Ah, I see what you're getting at. The whole choice thing. Like each of these professions require them to wear protective gear just like your governor is requiring you to wear a mask...

Oh, that's different?

Why? Because it happened less than two months ago? Is it tyranny in your mind if you only have to change your behavior because of something that happened recently? If so, I can imagine how much of a fight you must have put up the first time you went through an airport metal detector after 9/11.

I know, I know.

That patriotic sacrifice you made was to protect your country. I get it. It's a lot easier to spend an extra half-hour checking-in before your flight than it is to slip on a mask to go into Safeway. Sure, the mask literally takes 5 seconds to put on, but you've got your principles. Besides the whole flight thing is for your country, right? For, 'Murica! You take off your shoes and go through a metal detector to make sure them terrorists don't win! Whereas this mask? Pshaw! All you do by wearing that mask is to help keep your friends and family safe. Where's the patriotism in that???

So, continue to fight the good fight my maskless brethren. Your willingness to die, literally die, for your cause is, well, it's something. But I'm sure it will be worth it. After all, what better way to own the libs than by shouting at a governor who's not even in the building you're standing in front of? Many people would see your efforts as feeble, but you're here today, midday on a Wednesday, blowing off your job to send a powerful message. And that message, according to your sign, is how absurd all of this is!

I could hardly agree more.

Oh, and one more thing. There are actually two e's in the word FREEDOM. We don't want people walking by you and your sign thinking you're uneducated.

You're welcome.