LEAKED: Official 2020 Democratic Party Volunteer Email
Hello!
Thank you for signing up to be a campaign volunteer. These next 4 months will be absolutely critical for Democrats to retain the House, flip the Senate, and retake the White House and we are grateful for your participation. Chances are, you want to become involved because of a breadth of knowledge about our current political situation. That's great! However, you are representing the campaign and it's important that you do so in a way that is becoming of the candidate and of the Democratic Party. When they go low, we go high! As a way to reiterate this point, we've outlined some scenarios and the correct and incorrect responses to give during each situation. Please review them below:
1. "Who's running for president?"
Correct response: The two major-party candidates that are running are Republican Donald Trump and Democrat Joe Biden.
Incorrect response: Seriously!? It's fucking July and you have no idea who's running for president. How the hell did you pass middle school social studies? It's literally the only two guys who you hear about on the news these past 3 months. Stop watching cat videos and get informed for once in your life!
2. "I'm gonna write in Bernie Sanders"
Correct response: Senator Sanders has formally withdrawn from the race and is currently working to help elect Joe Biden. Will you commit to joining the senator in this work?
Incorrect response: David Sirota, is that you? No, seriously. Bernie lost. Bigly. He got his ass kicked by African-American voters AGAIN. He won a couple of lily-white states then go all high and mighty and forgot that nonwhite people actually make up the Democratic base. He hired a team of internet trolls who spent more time on Twitter than doing black outreach. He doesn't even have the minimum amount of delegates to be viable at the virtual convention. Writing his name is as president is like wearing a shower cap as a condom. It won't work and it'll only make things messy down the road.
3. "Trump 2020, bitch!"
Correct response: I understand. Thank you for your time and have a great day!
Incorrect response: Cool story. I guess you should be proud that you're supporting a rapist, sexist, homophobic dumpster fire of a human being who is literally calling you stupid to your face right now because he doesn't give a shit about you or your situation. Meanwhile, he's knee-deep in Vladimir Putin's anal cavity selling out our country, allowing our troops to be murdered, and playing golf while 130,000 Americans are dead because he was worried about his re-election chances. You may not have lived during Hitler's time but you're sure as hell proving yourself to be a nice little circle-jerk enabler of America's version of the man in 2020.
4. "I don't appreciate being bothered at home."
Correct response: I understand. We do our best to contact voters at a time that is convenient for them. Does another time work better for you?
Incorrect response: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize taking 5 minutes out of your day would completely wreck your social calendar. Fuck me for reaching out and wanting to talk to you at a time when I knew you'd be home. You don't think this is my dinner hour, too? You think that I wouldn't be calling people while starving for 3 hours straight if this shit wasn't important? Get off your high horse and tell me who you're voting for so I can call the next person and get the same response you're giving me for the 10th time in a row. Dick.
5. "Get a job, loser!"
Correct response: Thank you for your time. Have a great day!
Incorrect response: I have a job, dickweed. I'm doing this because on top of my 9 to 5 I also give a shit about the kind of country I want for my children and grandchildren. Instead of watching monster truck rallies and Fox News, I'm giving up 3 hours of my life for a cause I believe in, something you would know nothing about. I'm literally the opposite of every "welfare queen" you seem to think is ruining the country. Now, who's the loser, jackoff?
6. "I'll be voting third party this year."
Correct response: We'll mark that down. Have a great day!
Incorrect response: Oh, sweet Jesus! One of those Libertarian assholes, huh? Let me clue you in on a little secret: Ayn Rand collected social security. There, I said it! Your guiding star literally would have died much sooner had it not been for big, bad government services keeping her alive. Your 2020 candidate wants to let Americans opt-out of the system, which would cause massive chaos for the entire country. Libertarianism is like 69-ing: it sounds great on paper but doesn't work in the real world.
7. "I don't believe in voting."
Correct response: That you for your response. Have a great day!
Incorrect response: Not believe in voting? This is a constitutional right, not a fictitious giant rabbit! What the fuck do you mean, you don't "believe" in voting? It's literally the one right you have that prevents our country from coming under the control of a madman. People have died so that you could walk your privileged ass down to the local high school gym and vote once every 4 years to make sure our country doesn't become a permanent cesspool and that's too much for you to do? People across the globe put their lives in danger to vote and you can't be bothered to mail in a ballot, filling in about a dozen black circles? What the hell is wrong with you?
If any other situations occur, feel free to contact a volunteer organizer and he or she will help you determine the correct response. As a reminder, you will be contacting everyday Americans, who are not as politically astute as you are. Try not to hold it against them, even though many you talk to will provide blatantly false information and egregious spelling mistakes. Many of them shouldn't even be allowed to breed, to be honest. How they get from point A to point B on a daily basis is a mystery. The fact that many of them own firearms should terrify you and keep you up at night. Knowing all this, it's critical that we reach our people and have them outvote the miserable, heinous people whose vote threatens the future of our republic. There are way too many of these whack-a-doodles out there to not take this election seriously. They will vote, wrongly of course, and they will vote in droves. You, our volunteers, are literally the last line of defense against this zombie hoard of uneducated voters willing to elect Donald Trump for a second time.
God bless you and the work that you are about to do.