Gentlemen, We Need to Talk
Trigger Warning: Rape/Sexual Assault. If you or someone close to you is a survivor of this type of violence, proceed with caution. If you have been recently sexually assaulted, contact RAINN at 800.656.4673. Directory for therapists specializing in this type of trauma can be found here. I Am With You, a video by Chanel Miller, can be found here.
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I am autistic.
In my case, it means I have issues handling sensory overload. It also means I have a difficult time interacting in unfamiliar social situations and, most relevant here, reading social cues.
Even with my difficulty reading social cues and my laundry list of related problems, I have not sexually harassed or assaulted anyone. Zero. Knowing how not to sexually harass or assault women is so easy even I, a man who stumbles through most social interactions I am unfamiliar with, have become a master at it.
Yet so many of you seem to have trouble with this—regardless of political affiliation (even the “wokest” spaces are frequently infested with predators).
I have even read somewhere that some of Trump’s uptick in support may have to do with backlash to the #MeToo movement, the radical and extreme idea that women should have their boundaries respected no matter what.
Fact of the matter is, I have lost track of how many women I know who have been raped or sexually assaulted.
That means a lot of men are assaulting a lot of women, even if a disproportionate number of these attacks are done by repeat offenders in the same social circles.
Gentlemen, the issue of rape and sexual assault is not a women’s issue.
It is a men’s issue that hurts women. We commit 99 percent of all rapes and sexual assaults in the country, and 90 percent of all rapes or sexual assaults are male attacks on a female. (Keep in mind this may be incomplete data. Sexual assault of any kind is notoriously underreported.)
As Vice President Biden has pointed out, it’s our problem to solve, mine included.
So let’s start with a few points.
The Point of Rape is the Pain It Causes
At the end of the day, rape is about violence and entitlement, not lust. Rapists know what kind of damage they are doing to the women they violate.
The harm done is the point.
The reason for wanting to do this kind of harm may vary slightly, but most men who rape do it out of a sense of entitlement to women’s bodies, due to a desire to dominate women (often fueled by misogyny), or because they enjoy hurting women for its own sake.
When the next #MeToo story breaks or the next college athlete makes it into the paper for raping a young woman, remember that these men knew what kind of damage they were doing.
Also remember that any damage to their reputation or career, they brought on themselves.
Which leads nicely to …
There Is No Excuse for Rape—EVER
Fact of the matter is that I know more about the American political system than most of my fellow citizens. I am able to utilize my writing skills to communicate successfully. I have the ability to absorb a lot of information. With a GPA of 3.61 from Saint Paul College and 3.52 from Metropolitan State University (while going through a quite academically challenging program), I have a combined GPA of 3.57. All of which means I know my subject matter like the back of my hand. In addition, while attending Metro State, I garnered the respect of the social science faculty. On top of that, I can endure a lot of pain from a sensory overload and still function quite effectively.
The fact I know more about how our political system works than do most of my fellow Americans in no way gives me the right to ignore a woman’s no. My skills as a writer do not entitle me to a woman’s body or time. Catcalling is just as unacceptable and disgusting for me to do as it is for everyone else in spite of any recognition I may have earned. My exceptional work ethic does not give me the right to touch or grab any part of a woman’s body without permission. I don’t have the right to take advantage of a woman who can barely stand or talk just because I can power through the pain of a sensory overload.
Everything I said above, gentlemen, applies to all of you.
But the #MeToo movement goes beyond the headlines.
It extends to issues like sexual harassment, catcalling, and everyday threats to women’s safety that they deal with.
Again, it’s the radical and crazy idea that women want their boundaries respected.
Here are a few steps on how to make that happen.
Understand That You Are Not Entitled to Women's Bodies
This means you don’t touch people without an explicit yes. While this goes for both men and women, this is mainly applied in the context of the #MeToo movement. I know this seems really basic (i.e., something that should have been learned in kindergarten), but not touching people without explicit permission is really step one.
When a woman says no to a date, just move on. It will make things easier for both you in the long and short term.
While at work, stay strictly focused on the job. You are there to make money and build your resume, nothing more. So stay focused on just that. (By the way, this attitude is how I managed to power through bad days on the job and stay focused. So that also.) In practice, this means don’t hit on your coworkers no matter what if you are at a job or even just doing some volunteer work. It is not only disruptive to the workplace but also wildly unprofessional.
Most importantly, gentlemen, none of us is entitled to sex. This is a very important point, but a point many men seem to ignore.
Sexual Assault Is Not Inconsequential
This fact has some critical implications.
When someone says they have been raped, it is vital to take their claims seriously. Don’t dismiss these claims out of hand. More likely than not, they are telling the truth.
Gentlemen, you are all more likely to leave a casino rich than you are to be falsely accused of rape. I am willing to bet that none of you (myself included) are prepared to head to your nearest casino to bet everything on that kind of luck.
When a woman tells you she has been raped, don’t investigate unless you are qualified or take any action unless you are in a direct position to help solve the problem—meaning you have training in law enforcement, medicine, social work, psychology, or law or some other relevant field or are otherwise able to take direct action against the perpetrator effectively. Investigations into sexual assault must be done with great care and by people who know what they are doing.
If you are in a position where you need to investigate sexual assault for one reason or another, make sure you are meticulous and careful. Whatever you do, DO NOT go public with the accusations unless the victim has given consent and it is a wise course of action. Think things through carefully.
When you are told in confidence by a woman that she was raped at one point in her life, treat that information with care. It is a highly painful memory she is sharing. Don’t betray that trust.
Right now, our culture encourages men to behave in predatory ways toward women and girls. This has to change.