What broke you?

Photo by Thiago Matos

The thing about being laid up with Covid is that you have a lot of time to think. And that's usually where the trouble starts.

I begin to think about trivial things. It's best to do so, to keep serious thoughts at bay. Once the serious thoughts intrude, it's hard telling where they will lead.

When one is in the midst of a maelstrom, it's nigh impossible to suppress all thoughts of that tempest. It is all around you. It affects your every waking moment, no matter what you do. It bathes your being. Yes, self-care is radical. Yes, having other interests is key. But eventually you're back to where you began. You're back to the edge of this Abyss which is calling out to you.

It's hard for me to put into words what I feel as I go about my day. I have my work. I have my friends. I have my wife. I have things and people which distract me. But a distraction is just that: a temporary reprieve as everything circles down into something which we cannot avoid.

Last week I wrote that I will be forever tired. I will be forever tired and angry at the people who, through action and inaction, have threatened not just my future, but that of us all. I will be forever tired and angry at the years I will lose to this madness. I will be forever tired and angry at a people who glibly chose chaos over steady progress.

Why do people choose monsters? Why do people place their faith in those who would dispense with them without a second thought? What is it about the dark which is so alluring? 

I think of the word "snowflake". The pejorative used against anyone not callously cruel. Used against anyone who has an ounce of conscience. And I wonder: What is broken in you that you casually choose cruelty? That you flippantly decide to be the worst you can be? Why? 

They went to church, but did not read the message. They have ears but did not hear. They have eyes and yet are blind. 

Who broke you? Your mother? Your father? Your pastor? That football coach who pushed winning at all costs, rather than sportsmanship and decency? 

And I'm sure you think yourself to be decent and upstanding. I'm sure if I had a flat tire you'd help me change it. But your other choices would condemn me to death or exile. Your other choices would lays waste to swathes of this country. How can you reconcile that? Kind in niceties, uncaring in the places it matters, where you can affect millions. 

I used to say that people wouldn't speak in real life they way they speak online. But I know that to be inaccurate. Our culture has become rabid and feral. We are atomized and alone. We have lost any sense of community. We have no shared humanity. You approach me, and I reach for my gun, because I don't know who you are, and you're likely to be trouble. We clench our fists rather than open our hands. The majority population of this country is incapable of seeing beyond their own noses. They are aggrieved and spiteful and feeling that their rightful place is being usurped by inferiors. And it's clear now that a majority of them will burn the world rather than share it.

Of course, the answer to "what broke you?" is "everything". Centuries of dominance, of being lords of the earth. Then followed by a slow loss, year by year, decade by decade. Empires falling. And, of course, you were still the most powerful. But that wasn't enough. You had to be absolutely powerful, with no threat of a rival. You commanded that history's tide stop rising. And when you could not, the seedling of resentment grew into a baobab tree, its roots choking everything.

Further, though. You have always been broken. 1619. The Trail of Tears. Manzanar. Operation Wetback. This is nothing new. You didn't consider yourself broken, because you were the master. But you were most certainly broken, broken in a way that you were insulated from. And that insulation allowed you to ignore your brokenness. It gave you leave to continue doing what you had always done, what had always worked. And now that it's not working, you don't know what to do.

But you have a choice. It does not have to be like this. You and I, all of us, can step back from the brink. We can slam on the brakes before we hurtle over, turning end over end into the void. Being human means that we always have a choice for something better, something other than what we are. But we can't run away. We can't hide. We can't throw up our hands and say "it's too hard". Of course it's hard. Life is hardship and tears. But it is also joy and wonder. It is also love and delight.

Who broke you? Do you want to be fixed? Because I don't want to be tired and angry for the rest of my life.