Greetings fellow
seniors graduates!
It is my honor to stand before you today as your
class valedictorian. The past four years have been quite remarkable. In our very first year, we had to
endure navigate a global pandemic that would have been a whole lot
better worse had it not been for the
feckless fearless leadership of our Governor, Ron
DeShitstain DeSantis. We had to learn from home which gave our
heroic hapless teachers even more opportunities to
inspire confound us with their
expertise ignorance, proving that teachers truly are
remarkable replaceable in every sense of the word.
I'm serious. I kid of course. But let's not forget how much better it was to be back in school in person where we had daily
active shooter drills conversations with our friends. Just knowing how
terrified safe we all were back in one place brought back those good old-fasioned feelings of
terror happiness in all of us.
While school gave us all the most
traumatic comforting memories, let's not forget all the fun we had! Who can forget our class trip to
Disney World the governor's mansion where we had an inspiring day full of
rides legislation where we learned critical lessons about
not eating before riding the rollercoaster the dangers of the woke agenda.
Unfortunately, Luckily, our school library had previously
censored monitored certain books that would have created
empathy confusion about the transgender community so we didn't have to
acknowledge worry that the woke agenda was
made up influencing our education. Thank goodness for the
smallness bravery of Governor
DeShitstain DeSantis!
At the end of the day, what our education was truly about was
fascism freedom. It was freedom to learn
censored real American history! It was the freedom to
ignore science reject facemasks! It was the freedom to
be forced to maintain the gender you were born with! It was the freedom that if you were
burdened blessed with a child to know that no matter what happened to you, you would bring that child into a
calamitous calming home environment. And it was the freedom to reject the 'G' word because we all know that saying it would have led to
much-improved understanding widespread chaos and anarchy. We never took our freedom for granted because Governor Ron
DeShithead DeSantis wouldn't
admit he lost the culture wars wouldn't let us!
So, class of 2023, let's enjoy this moment. We did it! We did what nobody thought was possible. We earned our
watered-down hard-fought diploma that will prove to all our friends on
TikTok Truth Social just how fortunate we are to have survived
Ron DeSantis everything that has happened these past 4 years. Having survived
him all that means we can survive anything the world throws at us moving forward.
I can't wait to leave this godforsaken state. Congratulations!
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