Monday open thread: Love
There's a reason why we memorialize weddings.
A wedding between people who love each other is, for me, the greatest act in which human beings can engage. Where once there were two individuals, there is now a new creation. They have committed their lives to each other. They have committed to share and revel in their individual joys. They have committed to uplift each other in their sorrows. By joining, they are stronger. They are made stronger to confront the obstacles which the world throws against them. They commit to not focus solely on their own needs. They commit to evolve with each other, in whatever form that takes. (Like, for example, agreeing to be apart for months at a time because one's family needs them to be there.)
Marriage is that state in which two become one. In which your own life starts to matter less than the life to which you've joined yourself. (I'm keeping this simple by not including polyamorous marriages. That's a whole other post. But I see you. You are loved.) You no longer think "How will this affect me?"; you think "How will this affect us?". It is a state in which the focus on the self is punctured. You have willingly entered into a state in which another self is in your domain, and that self is as important as yours. A marriage will not last in which two selves don't join, where each keeps absolute autonomy. Yes, you give up a certain type of freedom; but you gain another.
As a young man, I just knew that marriage wasn't for me. I had to remain autonomous, answerable to no one but myself. I would be autochthonous, absolutely solitary in my pursuits and needs. And, at a certain age, that's what I needed. I needed to know myself first. I needed to know who I was.
But life without growth is death. Death of the body and death of the soul. Growth can take many forms. I in no way disparage those who have chosen not to marry, for whatever reason. That is their path. And I thought that would be my path. Until this woman, this Teresa, came into my life.
She has seen me at my best and my worst. She has remained with me when I was at my most selfish, doing everything to sabotage our relationship. And I have stayed with her, when her needs seemed to anyone else to be beyond the scope of a marriage. And now? We know who we are, and it's who we want to be.
Marriage doesn't mean that you "lose" yourself. Marriage means—or should mean—that you find a new self. As I said, life without progress—in whatever form that progress takes—is death. Marriage means that, hey, if your wife likes country music, and you don't, that's fine. It's not your thing, but don't yuck her yummy. Marriage means that the collective has first say, because that collective is that to which you both agreed. We are not "Alex&Teresa". We are "Alex with Teresa" and "Teresa with Alex". We are both joined and individual. We are both singular and plural. That is the mystery of love, a mystery worthy of a treatise by St. Thomas Aquinas.
Our dear friend Trevor has entered into this phase of his life. This morning's post is one merely to celebrate that transition. Trevor, you will have struggles and you will have joys. Dwell not too long on the struggles, and revel in the indescribable joys. Know that thousands of generations of ancestors have trod this path, and there is no right answer. That's for the two of you to figure out. But as long as you keep each other foremost in mind, you will find a way.
Mazel tov! L'chaim! ¡Y felicidades! Consider this a toast and a wish of nothing but joy and exultation from a guy who's been around the block a few times.