Wednesday open thread: Yumi Nu and the persistence of controlling women

My wife has always struggled with her weight. I haven't always been supportive.

"You shouldn't eat that. When are you going to exercise. If you lost weight, a lot of your problems would go away."

I, like many people of my generation, was raised with ridiculous models of female beauty. Overweight? Yuck! Eating disorders to be thin? Well, that's the price you have to pay.

Yumi Nu is one of the Sports Illustrated bathing suit issue models. She's plus-sized and gorgeous. And her selection has brought out the mouth breathers.

You can see the derogatory comments on Twitter if you so wish. I shan't post them. But in them, I recognized a much younger, much stupider self.

Many of these comments are couched in: Well, this isn't healthy, and we shouldn't be valorizing it. The thing is, you can be overweight and healthy. I have high cholesterol. My wife doesn't. I have a fatty liver. My wife doesn't. Looking at a person's weight on the surface and making surmises about their health from that is a fallacy. And of course, these people aren't concerned about the health of people like Ms. Nu. No. They're imposing their own standards of female beauty on them, and couching them in terms of "concern". About "societal damage".

Patriarchal culture polices women's bodies. In the West, the thinner the better. In some cultures it's the opposite. But at every turn, it's the male gaze imposing its standards on women. The needs and desires of women are of no import. What gets cishet men erect is what's good. It doesn't matter what women are. It's what men think women need to be. 

I look back on my past behavior, and I'm sorely ashamed. For a long time I wasn't the kind of partner she needed. That she has stuck with me says much more about her than about me. But I'll be damned if I'm going to allow this toxicity to be perpetuated and not speak out. 

The fact is that women like Yumi are full and complete in and of themselves. And that's what frightens many men. If they can't have a hook into their partners to shame them, to subjugate them, then they feel insecure. This woman could leave them at any moment. Or, worse: A woman whom they think should be "grateful" to have their attentions instead stands tall and proud and independent, and wants nothing to do with them. Then these men latch on to perceived physical imperfections to bring them down. The problem doesn't lie with women. It lies with men too ashamed of themselves to be strong, equal partners to the women in their lives.

Go on with your bad self, Yumi. You have the world before you. As do all other women, were men just to get out of the way.