Marching Orders
The Newsroom, January 20th, 2021
1:00 PM
Editor: Well, that inauguration speech was certainly bland! Hopefully, that's not a sign of things to come from this new administration. But regardless, it will be our job as a staff to hold this administration accountable over the next four years. The public has given us their trust, and it's our job to be hard yet fair when it comes to our political coverage. Since we have a completely new party in power, we need to preview the issues we'll be covering over the next four years and the approach to our coverage. We'll start with foreign affairs.
Foreign Affairs Journalist: How should we cover the continuing war in Afghanistan?
E: Obviously, we will use it as the foundation of our coverage. Having a forever war has been a great way to keep up the narrative that both parties are the same when it comes to an issue like Afghanistan. Unless this new administration goes crazy and tries to pull out of the region, let's keep it as the headlining issue.
FAJ: What about the president's trips overseas?
E: Look, we all know this guy is sound and proper. He knows all the customs and traditions, yada, yada, yada. Let's not dedicate too much time, unless something out of the ordinary happens. Let's move on to our immigration journalist.
Immigration Journalist: How should we cover the border?
E: We should cover it as the concern that it is! This was a key issue on the campaign trail, and the American people want to know that they're safe, especially those who live in the cities. Our approach needs to closely tie immigration to drug trafficking, even though the demand for drugs is largely from non-immigrants. We need to make sure that those in the center of the country still know and understand that the border impacts them, too. Oh, and it goes without saying: when we say "border," we obviously mean the southern border and not the northern one.
IJ: How should we cover the caravans?
E: Cover them whenever possible! Look, we all know that there are "caravans" every election cycle, but what people don't know is that refugees are making their way to the southern border each and every day. The more we can hype up days of increased migration as a "flood of migrants," the more we can make sure our readers know and understand how their own safety and security are so closely related to what is happening at the southern border. Let's move on to our economic journalist.
Economic Journalist: How should we cover inflation?
E: This is the economic issue for the next four years! I want you to scour the country for stories about how everyday families are being impacted. I don't even care if it's something absurd, like a family needing 40 gallons of milk a week. If a family is suffering, then we need to tell that story! Our readers should have no doubt about the impact of inflation across the country, and they should be well aware of what the administration is doing or not doing to fix it.
EJ: What about the cost of gas?
E: Look, we all know the president has nothing to do with the cost of gas, but our readers don't know that! Let's make sure to highlight any time in which the cost increases, and let's downplay any time the cost decreases. Make sure to closely tie the cost of gas to inflation, even though they're not related! Let's move on to our government affairs journalist.
Government Affairs Journalist: How should I cover the confirmation hearings?
E: Ugh, these are soooooo boring, especially when you know the administration already has the votes to get its people through. If there is any drama, no matter how small, make sure to hype that up. Use phrases like "cracks in the party," even if it's one stray party member who may only have a small doubt about a nominee. We need to surface doubt about this administration, and these confirmation hearings are an ideal place to start.
GAJ: How should I cover any potential shutdowns?
E: Blame the party in power! As the majority, it's their job to keep the government open. Don't give in to the narrative that both sides are to blame. The party in power is always at fault for not working with the minority party and keeping the lights on. Let's move on to our sports journalist.
Sports Journalist: How should I cover the sporting world's reaction to the election results?
E: What reaction? No, seriously. Sure, there were a handful of athletes who mentioned who they were going to vote for, but by and large, their voices didn't really impact the election results. Let's not pretend they had any sort of influence when the numbers don't back that up.
SJ: How should I cover championship teams that come to the White House?
E: Ugh, this is another dull topic. Unless something extraordinary happens, cover the basics and move on. Let's check in with our climate journalist.
Climate journalist: How do we stay up-to-date with an administration that will likely be the most pro-environment in history?
E: Just remember that most people don't understand the science. Unless it's something that impacts people's lives today and not 20-30 years down it road, it's really not worth covering. Our readers need to know what this administration is doing to help them and not their distant kids and grandkids generations from now. Let's hear from our business journalist.
Business journalist: How should I cover the stock market this term?
E: Remember, the majority of Americans don't own stock, and the stock market is not a reflection of the overall economy. In that way, you should ignore it when it's at record highs, but you should definitely highlight any days of significant losses! Use those days to paint a dire picture of the economy, as our readers have shown that they become more invested in our paper whenever there exists the possibility of a recession.
BJ: What about the impact of COVID on the global economy, and how the United States and every other country will struggle to recover, no matter how progressive the policies might be? Isn't it important that our readers know that this is not something that any president can solve in a single term and that the impact will last long beyond the four years allotted to this current administration?
E: No more questions! Listen, this was another fantastic meeting from this team. I'm excited to work with you all these next four years as we once again hold this new administration accountable. Remember to be just as hard on them as you were on Obama!
The Newsroom, January 20th, 2025
1:00 PM
Editor: Well, that inauguration speech was certainly inspiring! Hopefully, that's a sign of things to come from this new administration. Regardless, it will be our job as a staff to hold this administration accountable over the next four years. The public has given us their trust, and it's our job to be hard yet fair when it comes to our political coverage. Since we have a completely new party in power, we need to preview the issues we'll be covering over the next four years and the approach to our coverage. We'll start with foreign affairs.
Foreign Affairs Journalist: How should we cover the continuing war in Gaza?
E: Obviously, we will use it as the foundation of our coverage. Since we lost Afghanistan, the conflict in Gaza has been a godsend. Unlike the previous administration, this new one seems genuinely invested in creating a resolution. Let's cover every proposal, no matter how unrealistic, and let's ignore the fact that neither Israel nor Hamas wants the conflict to end. The more we can hype up how this administration can potentially swoop in and save the day, the more invested our readers will be.
FAJ: What about the president's trips overseas?
E: Cover them in-depth! We never know what's going to happen with this president abroad, and that uncertainty is exactly what our readers are looking for. But don't be too critical. Remember, it's hard to know and memorize names and customs when you're meeting hundreds of world leaders and dignitaries. Nobody expects the president to be perfect 100% of the time. Let's move on to our immigration journalist.
Immigration Journalist: How should we cover the border?
E: This was a winning campaign issue, so we need to make sure we report on it as such. Therefore, we need to stress that the border is more secure with a new administration, even if data doesn't back this up. We also need to take seriously all policy ideas, no matter how "unconventional" they might be. Our coverage needs to stress that this administration is taking a unique approach to the issue and that some sacrifices might have to be made in order to achieve greater peace and prosperity.
IJ: How should we cover the caravans?
E: What caravans? Let's move on to our economic journalist.
Economic Journalist: How should we cover inflation?
E: Inflation is sooooo last year. Now that the election has been decided on the issue, it's time to move on. Even if folks end up paying significantly more for everyday items, inflation simply can't be highlighted as a major reason why. Prices go up, end of story. Don't appease the reader by pretending inflation is still the main cause.
EJ: What about the cost of gas?
E: The president has nothing to do with the cost of gas. I don't even know why you're asking me this question. Let's move on to our government affairs journalist.
Government Affairs Journalist: How should I cover the confirmation hearings?
E: Use them to demonstrate the competency of the new administration! We all know that every nominee will pass, and we want to highlight that success rate. Be sure to downplay any senators who vote against the president's nominees. We know who the usual suspects are, and they always do this during the confirmation process. Let's not let their political theater votes try and create the myth that the new party in power is nothing but united as they begin their term.
GAJ: How should I cover any potential shutdowns?
E: Blame the minority party! As we know, keeping the government open requires complete compromise. If the party out of power insists upon digging in its heels and uniting against the majority, that sets a terrible precedent. We need both parties working together, and if that isn't happening, then blame needs to be placed on the party that isn't playing ball. Make sure our readers know the difference. Let's move on to our sports journalist.
Sports Journalist: How should I cover the sporting world's reaction to the election results?
E: Highlight those who supported the president! What they did, putting themselves out there, was incredibly heroic. This was nothing like what we saw in 2020. Try and profile as many of these brave athletes as you can and make sure you really emphasize how they went against the grain to support the president-elect.
SJ: How should I cover championship teams that come to the White House?
E: Use them to build unity! Nobody likes it when certain privileged athletes opt out of the great honor of visiting the White House. Make sure to focus on those that are there and keep a running tally of all the teams that visit. We want to use sports to demonstrate how the new administration is bringing people together, and these championship team visits are a great way to do that. Let's check in with our climate journalist.
Climate journalist: I'm...not going to be writing much this term, am I?
E: No, you're not. Let's move on to our business journalist.
Business journalist: How should I cover the stock market this term?
E: Remember that Americans love making money! Therefore, be sure to highlight every time there is a record high. Sure, we know that the market is naturally increasing and that we'll see many record highs, but our readers don't know that. Make sure to ignore any days of big losses, as we don't want our readers to worry. We need them to stay optimistic throughout the duration of this term.
BJ: What about the upcoming tariffs that the president-elect has promised to enact? Shouldn't we tell our readers that a tariff is actually a tax that they end up paying themselves?
E: Wow, look at the time! Listen, this was another fantastic meeting from this team. I'm excited to work with you all these next four years as we once again provide honest and open coverage of this great administration. God bless you all!