Barclay Davis Cold Open Shorts - Max and Victor
So, continuing on with my saga of Max, Frida and Victor, I've decided to kick off the new year with some short stories around them. These would be considered cold opens that usually start off a television show before the opening credits, where they're sometimes not part of the show's stories. Here, we're looking into the dynamics between Max and Victor, with Frida being something of a casual observer between the two of them.
CANDY CRUSHED
It was late at night on a weekend, and Max was home trying to prepare a end of term exam to give to his students, rather than hang out at the Crow's Bar with the Gang. But the stress and fatigue of prepping was getting to Max, so he took a time out to get something to eat.
Max went to get a pack of chocolate BB pellets, that he kept in a drawer in the living room. But when he opened it, the BBs weren't there. He started frantically searching for them, all over the living room, but to no avail.
After not getting anywhere in his search for his BBs, Max shouts out, "Vic-TORRRRR!!!"
Victor crawls out of the broom closet, where he sometimes goes to do his vlogging, and tells Max "Now what?"
"Did you eat that pack of BBs that I kept in the drawer?" Max angrily demands of Victor.
"No, I didn't eat yer stupid little BBs!" Victor shouts back. "And why would I? Ya let me try one, once, and I still can't get that awful taste out of my mouth! So why would I wanna eat a whole bag of those nasty little turds?"
"Oh, I don't know." Max answers. "Maybe it has to do with you being a small creature with a SMALLER BRAIN!"
"WHAT?!!" Asks an insulted Victor. He shot back "Now you see here, Max Edwards..."
"No, YOU see here, Victor the crab!" Max interrupts, and continues "I'm trying to prepare a term exam to give to my students, and I'm already stressed out enough, as is! I don't need more aggravation running around wondering where all my snacks are!"
At that point, Frida enters after finishing work at the Crow's Bar. When she sees Max yelling at Victor, she intervenes.
"Max, what is going on?" Frida asks. "Why are you yelling like that?"
"I'm giving that little bug shit because he ate all those BBs I kept in my drawer!" Max answers while pointing at Victor.
"No he didn't." Frida responded. "I did!"
"WHAT?" a surprised Max said. "You?...why..."
"Because I needed something to eat before I went in to work, and there wasn't anything here because you were supposed to have picked something up for this weekend, but didn't." Frida explained to Max, continuing "But that's okay. You're preparing an exam to give to your students, so I didn't want to nag you over that."
Frida then reaches into her purse to pull something out, while she continues talking to Max. "And, to make it up to you, I went and got you a new bag of chocolate BBs to replace the one in your drawer." She pulls out a big bag of BBs and handed them to Max, who was still confused as to what was going on. "And in a bigger bag than the one you had." Max was holding the bag on both ends and was looking at them very closely.
Frida then takes her right index finger to hook Max's T-shirt collar so she can yank him close to her, and then softly tells him, "Consider it...repaid with interest!" Frida then kisses Max softly on his lips. Then, with a little smile on her face, unhooks her finger from Max's shirt and turns to head to the bedroom to change out of her clothes.
Max just stood there, holding the bag of BBs with both hands, close to him. And as Frida disappeared from view, Max heard some rapid tapping. He turns to see a very pissed off Victor with his arms folded together and the tips of his claws on the ground. He was doing his "crab tapping" where his feet on his one side started tapping like someone rapping their fingers on a table.
Max just stares at Victor for a moment, then turns away from him and stares out in the open. Max realized he screwed up yelling at Victor for something he never did. He gulped in embarrassment, then started playing with the edges of the package like Oliver Hardy.
Max then takes a good look at the package of BBs in his hand, then turns to a still pissed off Victor and goes up to his face, with a stupid grin on his, and asks him "Want a chocolate BB?" while shaking the bag.
Frida was in the middle of changing her clothes, when she hears a loud snap and an even louder "AAAAUGHHHH!!!" which completely startles her. She opens the bedroom door to check for herself, and sees Victor pinching Max all over his face, while Max is bouncing around in agony. Victor screams "HERE'S A FUCKING SNACK FOR YA!!! WHATSAMATTER, WHY AREN'T YOU EATING IT?!! OH RIGHT, BECAUSE I'M PINCHING YOUR ENTIRE FACE, ASSHOLE!!!"
As Victor keeps yelling and pinching Max, Frida, realizing the two of them were just being idiots to each other again, slowly closes the door to leave them be.
***
KOFFEE KVETCH
It's morning, and Max is making some coffee for himself and Frida, who's still in bed. He's using a new coffee maker he and Frida picked up recently that makes a perfect cup of coffee everytime.
Meanwhile, four crab legs spring out from the sink. They touch the nearby surface, and Victor raises himself out of it. He standing diagonally over the sink, water dripping down, then tiptoes away from it, until he's able to plant his other feet on the counter surface. After stretching out his arms, he goes over to Max.
"Good morning, Max!" Victor says, as he approaches him.
"Morning, Victor." Max says to him as he's drinking his coffee.
Victor looks at the new coffee maker, then points at it as he asks Max "What's that thing?"
"That thing is the latest in home brewing technology. It's a Koening K-Thousand single serve coffee machine. You just put a little cup of ground coffee inside the machine, pour the amount of water you want to use into it, turn it on, and in minutes, you have a fresh cup of coffee ready to enjoy. No muss, no fuss, no waste, no mess!" Max says as he continues drinking his coffee.
Victor wasn't impressed. "I don't understand you humans and your obsessiveness with coffee. It's like you treat it like some kind of drug you don't want to kick!"
"Well, of course I don't expect you to understand Victor." Max tells him. "You're a crab. Just like you wouldn't expect us to understand why your species eats mostly garbage off the ocean floor."
"Ok, now that's a stereotype!" Victor shoots back at Max, as he continues "I mean...all it is is just hot water that's been strained through some grounded up fruit pits that were thoroughly burnt beyond recognition."
"Because Victor, coffee is the perfect drink for us human adults. It's a socially pleasing brew for when we talk amongst ourselves, and, most importantly, its caffeine content helps us humans to be refreshed and awake for the day, which is important as we start to get older in our lives and start slowing down." Max says as he continues drinking his coffee.
Victor's still not impressed, as he tells Max, "I find that hard to believe!"
"Do you now?" Max tells Victor between sips of his coffee.
Just then, Max and Victor feel the stomping and clumping of feet, as they turn to see Frida, half awake, looking like a bed ridden mess, and stooped over like a hunchback. She stops dead in her tracks and mumbles out, "Human life means nothing to meeeee!!!"😠
After staring at Frida, Max turns to Victor and says to him, "Pay close attention, shellface. You'll see what I'm talking about!" as he puts down his cup of coffee and grabs the other meant for Frida.
Max, with the hot coffee in his hands, approaches Frida - who's doing a rather unladylike thing by picking her nose with her thumb and index finger - and cheerfully says to her, "Good morning, my darling Frida!"❤️❤️❤️
"WHAT'S SO GOOD ABOUT IT?!!"🤬🤬🤬 Frida shouts at Max. "IT'S JUST ANOTHER DAY CLOSER 'TILL WE ALL END UP IN HELL!!!"🤬🤬🤬
"Mmmmm, I'm sorry you feel that way, Frida" Max tells her in a calming tone, as he continues with a cheerful voice, "Look, I made you a nice, fresh cup of coffee! It's 100% Columbian dark roasted, using fresh drinking water with nothing more than just a teaspoon of sugar!" Frida looks at the coffee Max is giving her, and, in her half awake mood, doesn't look impressed.
"A little sweet, for my little sweet!" Max says to Frida, as he hands her her coffee.
"GIMMEE!!!"🤬🤬🤬 Frida snaps at Max as she grabs the coffee from him and immediately starts gulping it down. Max backs away from Frida and leans back on the kitchen counter, next to Victor, with his arms folded and a bit of a smile on his face, as they both watch Frida gulp her coffee down.
When she was done drinking her coffee, Frida lets out a big loud belch, then closes her eyes. She then starts slowly opening her eyes, until they're fully opened. Then, a smile starts growing from her, which starts getting bigger, until it becomes her beautiful smile. She then closes her eyes for a moment, and then opens them up to look lovingly at Max.
She then goes over to Max, puts her coffee mug down on the counter, and wraps her arms around him, telling him, in a soft, sexy voice, ❤️❤️"Thank you so much for that wonderful cup of coffee, my beloved Max!"❤️❤️ She then starts kissing him, deeply.
Victor sees that, and his reaction to it is having his chin drop to the counter surface with a thud, and his tongue rolling out like a roll of toilet paper!
After awhile, Frida breaks the kiss from Max, then slowly walks away from him, holding his hands until their arms are stretched out, and is still looking at him smiling and giggling as she leaves the dining area.
Max and Victor look at all that, then Max turns to look at Victor with this look on his face:
Victor, still not convinced, grabs Max's coffee while screaming "GIMMIE!!!" After studiously eyeing Max's coffee, he starts drinking it. But two gulps in, Victor starts spitting out Max's coffee like a fire hose, and then starts hacking and coughing up any more coffee in his system, going so far as to squeeze it off of his tongue with his claws. He's then left standing with his tongue out, holding a pose, and then looks up to Max.
Leaping high in the air above Max and holding it there, Victor screams at him, "YOU HUMANS ARE THE MOST FUCKED OUT SPIECIES ON THE FACE OF THIS ENTIRE PLANET!!!" He's then on solid footing on the counter, and continues "I'm going back to bed. See if I can wash this shit off of me!" and walks away from Max and back into the sink.
Max just stands there chuckling at Victor.
***
AN INVCONVENIENT FUCKUP
Max and Frida were in the bedroom, on a late Sunday afternoon, naked and making love. They were lying on the bed horizontally with their heads just over the bed, next to the open door, and their feet dangling out on the other side. Max was on top of Frida, kissing her passionately, while Frida was returning the favor for Max.
Max broke their kiss to tell her. "Oh God, I can't get enough of you Frida!" Max tells her, as he kisses her all over. "You make me feel so alive!"
"Give me your love, Max!" Frida tells him. "I need your love so badly!" Frida pulls Max closer to her to kiss him deeply.
"I want to please you so badly!" Max tells Frida in the middle of kissing her. "I want to make your body quiver all over you!"
"I know you do, Max." Frida tells him. But then, Frida rolls over with Max, who was a bit surprised by Frida's move, until she was atop of him, saying "But I want to please you first, my love!"
"Ooooo, you cheeky little minx you!" Max slyly says to Frida, as she grabs Max's wrists and pulls his hands over and behind his head, and continues to open kiss Max, with her tongue probing the insides of his cheeks. Max just lies there taking in Frida's deep passions and giving some back in return.
But then, just outside the bedroom, Victor comes sliding across the hall in a panic, screaming at them, "HEY-YEY-YEY-YEY!" until he crashes at the end of the hallway, only to quickly pop into the bedroom, screaming "YOU GUYYYYS!!! THE MEATLOAF IN THE OVEN IS BURNING!!!", as he got closer. He starts running around on his spot, screaming, "THERE'S SMOKE COMING OUT OF IT, AND IT'S FILLING THE PLACE UP!!! HEY, ARE YOU TWO EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!!" But Max and Frida weren't listening. They were too into each other, kissing wildly and passionately to hear Victor's panic screaming.
Victor tries desperately to get their attention, making all kinds of noise. He whistles at them with his claws, then pulls out a real whistle to blow into, spins a noisy party ratchet, presses the top of an airhorn, and then somehow is equipped with a base drum, cymbals, a horn, a toy accordion, and starts playing - like a one crab band - the music a marching band was playing all over a pier in the 1966 Batman movie, as Adam West desperately tries to dispose of a round, cartoony bomb.
But no luck. Max and Frida were still lost in each other with their lovemaking.
After removing the kit in one shot, and heaving it across in room, Victor sports an angry frustrated face. After just standing there, growling angrily, Victor is left with one option. He crawls under their bed to the other side, and right underneath Max and Frida's feet. Then, Victor gives their toes a big, huge pinch! The result was Max and Frida leaping high up in the air, screaming in agonizing pain, and taking Victor with them. Both Max and Frida land on the bed, while Victor lands on the floor, on his head, and drops to the ground. Victor was in a daze, when he got one side of his legs grabbed by Max and pulled up in the air.
With Victor being held up by his legs, he sees Max and Frida with extremely angry looks on their faces. With his teeth all clinched, Max angrily growls at Victor, "You had God damned better explain why you just..."
"THE MEATLOAF IS BURNING!!!" Victor yells at Max and Frida, while waving his arms. "THE WHOLE PLACE IS IN SMOKE!!!"
"WHAT?!!" Max says, as he and Frida turned to look at the open door to see the smoke from the oven start to enter the bedroom.
"Ooooh shitballs!" Max says as both he and Frida realize the situation at hand.
In their bathrobes, Max and Frida get the meatloaf out of the oven, with Max screaming at Frida, "FRIDA, GET THE SIDE DOOR OPEN, I GOTTA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!!!" as Max is carrying the meatloaf out to the terrace where it won't fill the place with smoke. After getting it outside, in between coughs, Max closed the screen door so as to let the smoke in the room escape, as he's waving his arms to disperse it.
"How's the meatloaf look, Max?" Frida asks him.
"Not good, I'm afraid!" Max tells Frida, as he tosses the oven mitts on the kitchen table to sit down, resting his head on his upright hand. "That meatloaf has been reduced to a big ol' lump of charcoal. Dinner is completely ruined!"
"Ah, no!" Frida disappointingly says, as she puts her hands on Max's shoulders from behind. "What a waste of money and food!" Max just nods his head in agreement.
"Wellll, I hope you two are proud of yourselves!" Victor, with his arms crossed and the tips of his claws touching the floor, condescendingly tells Max and Frida, who are none too pleased about the tone in Victor's voice, as he continues. "Not only did you ruin dinner, you two nearly started a fire that could have burned the entire place down! Now don't you two feel ashamed of yourselves?"
Max and Frida looked at Victor, rather disgustingly. Max looks up at Frida, points at Victor, and tells her, "Do you believe the gall of this sanctimonious tick?"
"Oh, to hell with him, Max!" Frida says, as she waves Victor off. "Too be honest, I really wasn't in the mood for meatloaf tonight." Max was rather surprised at Frida's confession, as she leaned into him while still talking, saying seductively "I'd much rather sink my teeth into something...creamy!" while she starts reaching down between Max's legs.
Max was surprised by Frida's move. He then grabs her hand, and, with a sly cheesy smile on his face, tells Frida, "Well now...perhaps I can find a way to serve you some, hmmmm?" Max wiggles his eyebrows at her, then kisses her on the mouth, pulls her onto his back, and takes her back to the bedroom for more sexy fun, while they're giggling and kissing.
Victor had a stunned, shocked look on his face, as it seemed Max and Frida weren't really taking this seriously. After facepalming and dragging his face down, Victor grumbles, "HUMANS...are gonna be the fuckin' end if us all!!!"
Coming up: Barclay Davis Cold Opens - Frisky Frida